Bronze Statues (Cont. From Dec. 2019)

I had a second dream on December 3rd 2019:

I dreamed I was on a college campus and there were all these bronze statues. Some of horses.

One of a man in a rain coat with a hat that looked like the one on this little girl in the photograph below:

Later on in the dream these statues began to move. At first I thought they were people dressed in bronze costumes but I told my youngest daughter to touch the statue that was moving closest to us. She said “it’s metal, mom.” I thought it was cool to see these statues moving like humans and I actually exclaimed out loud the word “Cool!”

I recall I was trying to get to my yoga class but got way laid by a youth rally. I could see a guy from my yoga class in reality (whom I’ve dubbed Prince Eric ) sitting there stoically in the bleachers.

But by the time I got there the instructor was not doing yoga but some hip hop dance moves.

On December 8

I heard the hip hop song by Rihanna called “Umbrella” for the very first time.

I thought maybe my obsession was also hearing this song on the radio for the very first time and perhaps maybe that’s where this dream came from. He sometimes likes to refer to me as a wildhorse.

But then this post and everything having to do with my WordPress site just sat for three months. (Till late January/February) I think of a bronze medal that represents third place. The dream had been predicting or foretelling that three months would go by without any activity on my Website. (Sitting on the bleachers)

Sometimes it pays to write a dream down and then sit on it without interpreting it because then you can go back and look at it with fresh insight. Because it was prophetic, I can look back at reality and say of the dream, “oh that’s what it meant” .

And speaking of music, I’d like to thank the blogger: “MusicPoliticsSports” for liking and following my blogpage. This person is a relatively new blogger to WordPress but already has a high following of people who leave comments. As the name suggests this person’s content is about music, politics and sports. Their page is set up more like a news ticker or Twitter post with short trending announcements. It’s hard to find the links to the articles that these announcements are promulgating amongst all the hashtags and advertising but I’m sure as this blogger familiarizes themself with the tools of WordPress their page will become stellar. Just note that pages like these may be flagged by the bots as spam. Sorry.

Thank you to all my readers for reading my dreams and seeing what kinds of interpretations I come up with for them. If you have any ideas or suggestions on the interpretation of the Bronze Statue dream, drop a comment below. ⬇ I’d love to hear from you. Until next time….peace ✌

The Crimson Cloud Dream February 22, 2020


I thought surely my obsession would not be able to make the dream about Christopher Columbus about himself, but then I read a horrific thing about Christopher Columbus that had been kept from us during history class in public school. The man was a sex slave trader and murderer. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing using the guise of Christianity for his own profit and gain. The indigeneous people that Christopher Columbus murdered behaved more like Christians than he did.


I saw the Crimson Cloud, the sail of his ship and those four blood moons and it was like that fatal night all over again. I passed out and my head began to pound. I spent the day suppressing those traumatic memories and grumbling about how useless I am. Did suppressing the trauma only contribute to the perpetuation of the headache? It went on and on all night and all day without relief. I tried ibuprofen, herbal tea remedies, another brand of headache medicine, peppermint essential oil, massage, yoga stretches and meditation. I tried binareal beats, hot compresses and cold compresses. I even tried sleeping it off. Absolutely nothing was working to make that headache go away. And in the back of my mind was the trauma that I was refusing to allow to come to the surface. I’ve never had a migraine before but then again I’ve never tried to suppress the trauma before either. I was always the one who wanted to rehash the pain and suffering whenever something triggered the memories. I recently read in an article that suppressed trauma is linked to migraines and also poor memory function, like as in amnesia. Lord in heaven, I pride myself on my good memory. I don’t want to lose that cognitive ability, so if I have to remember the trauma in order to maintain my cognitive memory functions so be it.

So many people have told me to forget the past, let the past go, focus on only the positive and the good. Is that why our school teachers hailed Christopher Columbus as a hero and ignored the rest of history?

Let’s all just paint a pretty picture with our rose tinted glasses and just pretend no one got beaten nearly to death. Let’s pretend that the two people who are strongly affected by this memory don’t exist. Let’s just keep them apart and tell them that it’s bad to rehash the past, that’s it’s bad for them to be together because they constantly remind each other of the trauma, not telling them the side effects of keeping them apart (migraines, memory loss, and depression)

My obsession said that he was a crime son. That his parents were like Christopher Columbus…wolves in sheep’s clothing using Christianity for their own personal gain.

I didn’t believe him until the police came knocking on my door to tell me to stay away from her as well. The nightmares had started the week before. I knew they were coming from him. I didn’t realize I was suppressing them until the migraine hit. When we were together I’d always want to talk about it. Talking about it helped relieve the nightmares, but he always wanted to suppress it or be the first to bring it up. He’d talk about it, but he had always been insistent that he would be the first to bring it up and he’d get mad at me if I brought it up first. His wife just doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Some of the trauma happened over 30 years ago. She was around for it.

The night he got nearly beaten to death. I passed out that night too. I was threatened that if I went to him I’d be killed too. All I could think about was who would take care of my children if I died. For the next two weeks I hobbled around limping and suffering from a headache as though I had been the one nearly beaten to death. Before passing out, I had prayed for God to spare his life.

Sometimes I think back on that night and think that I should have gone to him. I should have died that night. He wanted to know where I was when he was walking home from the hospital. My second husband had all my income and my gas tank was on empty right up until the time I had to go to work and had no sub to cover for me. This time when I saw the Crimson Cloud. I panicked. I was ready to rush out the door to fly to his side when I felt the blow to my head and heard those words echoing in my mind. “Stay Away! “

I was like that’s it. He doesn’t love me anymore. He really does want nothing to do with me.

Either that or he’s being a martyr again to protect me as he protected his first love from his parents. He still loves her and forever holds a grudge against his parents for him losing her. Even though he was the one who had pushed her away in the first place.

I felt useless. If he was hurt again for real. I was flat out incapable of thinking clearly. Doing anything. The migraine was so bad, it took all the strength I had just to get to the bathroom. Say nothing about getting in a car and driving somewhere in that mental state.

This particular trauma usually doesn’t hit me until it’s anniversary month. What I’d do to combat it was I’d get up in the middle of the night and I’d drive past the sight of the crime and then I’d drive past his house just to make sure he was home safe and sound before returning home to go back to sleep. But I had never been struck with another migraine. Just flashbacks. I was not expecting this trauma to surface at this time. I had been expecting other traumas to resurface that if I’m honest with myself I was repressing those memories as well. Some years I’m ok and the month of February goes by unaffected. I had attributed it to the fact that during those years I’d go on vacation so I took a vacation this year as well thinking it would work like years past but I didn’t leave my home. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work. But I’ve been forbidden to see him so what used to work to alleviate the symptoms can no longer be used as treatment and I’m beside myself not knowing what to do other than write about my pain.


In my sleep last night I heard him say “Hey Mom can I have more paper?”

I wonder if he’s doing the same thing. Writing it all out? Maybe I’ll never recover. Maybe I’ll forever have to rehash the trauma just to avoid getting a migraine. Just so I don’t develop amnesia.

That threat cost us our friendship. Even if it was a bluff, the police got involved. The only way to undue it is for his wife to write to me and say it’s ok to be friends again. The likelihood of her doing that is the same as the Antichrist repenting and getting into heaven. No way in hell. So he’d rather have me believe he was dead? Like he did with his first love. Or maybe if he really wanted to be friends again, he could convince his doctor that because I’m the only one who wants to talk about it and maybe he feels the need to talk about it, you know in order to maintain cognitive functioning and not develop amnesia that allowing us to communicate again would be beneficial for him. Save him money on therapy treatments, you know?

For the past two years I’ve had a friend who has listened to me in this capacity but this year she said she’s had enough and doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Having no one to talk to does take a toll on one’s mental health and these days it’s very expensive to go to therapy. Besides it’s not the same as someone who lives the trauma with you every moment you experience it.

I recently read in the book “Becoming a Vessel God Can Use” by Donna Partow that one must take the pain and suffering of the past and not be controlled by it but to turn those painful experiences into a ministry to others.”(pg. 112)


So to recap.

  • Don’t surpress the trauma, acknowledge the thoughts and the emotions.
  • Supression causes migraines and poor cognitive functioning.
  • Don’t let the past control you but find a way to use the pain and suffering you’ve experienced as a tool to help others.

Thanks for reading and following me on my healing journey from an abusive past.

Congrats to StarTwo, I dreamed about you

It’s 2am on Saturday February 22, 2020

I just awoke from a word dream: “1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue” 

It’s something we used to recite in history class in reality way back when I was in middle school. I decided to look up 1492 in the Strongs concordance.

In Hebrew 1492 is גָּזַּה gâzzah, gaz-zaw’; feminine from H1494; meaning a fleece:—fleece

In Greek 1492 is eídō (oida) – properly, to see with physical eyes (cf. Ro 1:11), as it naturally bridges to the metaphorical sense: perceiving (“mentally seeing“). This is akin to the expressions: “I see what You mean”; “I see what you are saying.”

1492 /eídō (“seeing that becomes knowing“) then is a gateway to grasp spiritual truth (reality) from a physical plane. 1492 (eídō) then is physical seeing (sight) which should be the constant bridge to mental and spiritual seeing (comprehension).

What I see with my physical eyes is that I just got a like on WordPress from a blogger duo named StarTwo who was speaking about the universe as an Ocean and finding each other. So Congratulations to StarTwo!! I dreamed about you!! Also thank you for liking and following my blogpage.

StarTwo is an Artist duo currently working on a comic. They are illustrators extraordinaire!  As such, I would like to take this opportunity to invite all illustrators to enter my contest. (↩Click Link) Good luck!

Well I could clearly see that last night’s dream connected me to the outside world but I wondered if it had a more personal meaning or interpretation for myself.

What do I know about Christopher Columbus?

He was an explorer who discovered my nation. He transported persecuted Jews on his journey to the Americas. But you won’t read that or learn that in a secular history book, in fact that was left out of the public school books. I would have paid more attention in history class if such facts had not been omitted. 

There is a fascinating tale that I learned only a few years ago whilst watching a documentary on The Four Blood Moons regarding this infamous journey and connection with Jewish history. (See links ↩for details)

Perhaps the dream is saying: Let’s go explore the unknown. Let’s leave behind what we know of the world and go see what’s really out there waiting for us. 

I’d also like to thank Michelle Rose for liking and following my blog. She blogs about her life as a single Mom. (I can relate.)

Featured Blogger for February 19, 2020


It is an honor to introduce to you today:

Celia Hales, author of the book:

A Course of Love: An Overview

and Freelance writer on her own blogpage: Miracles Each Day.

Thank you Celia, for liking and following my blogpage.

Celia has written articles for several different magazines but her main focus is her blogpage. She brings me a timely message, in that the description of her book on Amazon states and I quote:

A Course of Love declares itself to be “a course to establish your identity and to end the reign of the ego.” An ambitious agenda! This little book offers an overview of this new spiritual masterpiece, which is a sequel to A Course in Miracles.”

It is true, I have been on a recent path to discover my identity and asking questions regarding the ego. However, it is not her book and it’s wisdom I wish to thank Celia for today. Whilst perusing through the titles on her blogpage, I stumbled across little reminders that my scatterbrained mind needed to refocus and get back on track.

I could very easily go off on a tangent regarding the dangers of receiving channelled messages based on what I read in Job 4:18 (one must always compare everything one reads for spiritual growth with the Scriptures) However, I have already purchased a book that I haven’t completed reading yet. I feel strongly within my Spirit that I need to finish what I’ve already started before moving on to the next “big thing”.

Thank you Celia for the reminder to refocus and get back on track. Therefore, I will not be addressing the topics of disappointment and roots of bitterness in this blogpost today as previously stated. (Does that create disappoint in some of my readers? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that thought. Rest assured the topic will be addressed in a future blogpost but right now I need to stay focused on what I’ve already started.)


How about you, dear readers? Are you focused today? Are there any projects you have started that are sitting gathering dust on your mental shelf? Write and tell me about it in the comments below⬇ I’d love to hear from you.

Featured Bloggers for February 17, 2020


My Featured Blogger for today is:


If you are looking for someone to review your product or service, this person does the job with an unparalleled unbiased opinion and great professionalism.

When I do a blogger review, it’s more of an overview of their website and then I will use something they have said in one of their articles to talk about my own experiences. Or, if I already have a topic that I’m addressing such as the case is today,. I will find a way to introduce a blogger that has liked or followed my blogpage in an appropriate spot within the framework and context of my writing that makes the most sense to me.

I like the name of this blogger’s page. There is something to be said about being invisible. It implies that this person has set themselves aside, in spite of their intense pain and suffering, for a greater cause.

This is what Christ has asked his followers to do in Romans 12:1-2

I struggle in this area, mainly due to fears and a lack of trust.

When I think about presenting my body as a living sacrifice, all these questions arise in my mind. Such as if I present my body as a living sacrifice, does that mean I lose my identity? Does that mean that I have to set aside all my hopes, dreams and plans for myself? Does that mean my own personal needs and wants go unmet? Do I fade into nothingness into non- existence? These are the questions in my mind that stir up fear within me. Fear of what some people call Ego Death. In Eastern religions this term is used “to describe a permanent loss of “attachment to a separate sense of self” and self-centeredness.”(1)

To me, not maintaining a sense of separate identity, while dwelling in the human flesh, is a dangerous state of mind to be in. It conjures up thoughts of my mind becoming one with the collective consciousness or what I term the collective mind.

While I firmly believe in synchronicity and the existence of this state of consciousness, it has been deeply ingrained within my belief structure, from my youth, that there is a sinister plot around the agenda to make everyone in the world align with the collective consciousness.

I was taught as a child that there was a time in Earth’s early history when all of humanity spoke one language. I was taught that these people were all of one mind and one accord. In other words they were a part of the collective mind or collective consciousness. According to God, HE says thus of this group of people:


“Now then, these are all one people and they speak one language; this is just the beginning of what they are going to do. Soon they will be able to do anything they want!”

— Genesis 11:6

Imagine that, all of humanity meditating on one thought and that one thought becoming reality. This is doable. This is possible. This will happen in the near future.

One day a group of people got together and said, “let’s make people understand this ancient knowledge that was lost. Let’s create a Utopia”. On the surface this is a beautiful thought. A world of peace and love and unity. It’s what the cry of humanity is at it’s very core and yet my entire being rebels against this agenda because I was taught that the reason why God didn’t approve of everyone being of one mind and one accord was because while they yet lived in the flesh, their thoughts and intents of their hearts were wicked and evil continually. (Genesis 6:5)

In my mind I think, ok how long before a World Leader comes along and capitalizes on this ability? While the collective group has peace, love and unity on their mind, his thought is to control the people. So if I lose my sense of identity and become one mind with the collective consciousness doesn’t that make me vulnerable to opening myself up to being controlled by this one man’s powerful mind?

I don’t know about you, but I know from experience what it is like already to lose my sense of identity. I already know from experience what it is like to have someone else control me through their mind games. Through telepathic suggestions, through the use of metaphysical rewards and punishments. You have no idea what it’s like to compare fighting an enemy that is outside of yourself in face to face combat verses someone who has gotten inside your mind until you’ve experienced it for yourself first hand. (However this a topic for a future blogpost)

I thank God, that HE is a gentleman. I thank God that HE gives us freedom of choice and freedom to maintain our separate identities. I think that it’s important to maintain some semblance of one’s identity because in the article by Psychology Today titled “Basics of Identityit says:

“Lack of a coherent sense of identity will lead to uncertainty about what one wants to do in life.”

The goal of every person on a spiritual path is to become One with Christ. One with that God Consciousness. The danger is in how people go about reaching that state of oneness. If a group of secular people get together and try to become One with the God Consciousness without going through Christ then they open themselves up to false gods. They open themselves up to other people who may have more powerful minds and evil intentions disguised as beautiful intentions. Therein lies my fear of dying to myself and allowing another to control me. How can I know for certain that if I yield myself in surrender that it is God who is using me and not some evil person with a selfish agenda? Do I really want to wake up every morning and leave that decision and choice up to an invisible being that I am uncertain of?

I don’t think God expects me to check my reasoning and logic at the door and just blindly and obediently serve HIM. I think that it is healthy to have goals and plans for oneself but be open to allow God to change those plans, otherwise you wake up every morning like a robot awaiting instructions and if no instructions are given that day, you sit there in a daze and a fog accomplishing nothing because you don’t know what to do with yourself. This is the danger of losing one’s identity.

Being a Christian is like being a Freelance writer. As a Freelance writer, you know your goal and purpose is to write, as a Christian you know your goal and purpose is to serve Christ. As a Freelance writer you are given assignments to write but some days you’re left to write your own stories and so it is with the Christian, some days God has something specific for you to do and other days your left to do your own thing.

Speaking of Freelance writers, I’d like to introduce you to my next featured blogger:

Gail McLaughlin, Thank you for liking and following my blogpage. Gail is a freelance writer. You’ll find most of her past writings on Facebook. But not on WordPress. Her WordPress site is more of a teaser just to introduce herself. Her website on Bluehost hasn’t been launched yet. Gail, please let me know when it’s up and running so I can update this post to let my readers know about your page.

When I think about having my own goals and plans outside of serving God, I think of Paul. When he wasn’t serving the Lord, he was making tents. I think of Peter, when he wasn’t serving the Lord he was off fishing, so it’s ok for me to pursue my dreams. Not that I’ll ever attain them, but I am at least free to pursue them.

These thoughts regarding maintaining my identity, while serving the Lord, have helped me to quell some of my fears regarding presenting my body as a living sacrifice unto the Lord but there is still that fear of never having my wants met and then growing bitter because of it. Where does this fear of growing bitter come from? It comes from past experiences. Instances where I have laid my life down in sacrifice for another and found that my own needs and wants did not get met.

Maybe my fear is irrational because God says in Matthew 16: 24-25:

24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.


In Mathew 19:27-29 it says: Then answered Peter and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore?

28 And Jesus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

Logically in my head, I believe what HE says but there’s still a part of me that asks the question what if I do this and I get there and it isn’t what I’m expecting it to be?

In my next blog, I’ll be discussing more in depth the disappointments and roots of bitterness that create the fear of not wanting to present my body as a living sacrifice unto the Lord.

Stay Tuned. Thank you for reading and following me on my journey towards healing from an abusive past. Feel free to leave any comments or thoughts below ⬇ regarding your own experiences with Romans 12:1-2

Five core needs of every human (book review/discussion)


In my last three blogs I’ve been on a journey to find out my identity. Today I stumbled across a book called: “Five to Thrive” by: Kathy Koch. In this book author and psychologist Kathy Koch joins her knowledge of the socia sciences with her knowledge of Scripture (the Bible). She says that psychology has it backwards when they tell people to first search for their identity. She thinks that the first thing a person must do is establish a sense of trust. She goes on to define 5 core things that every human being needs by putting them into the following questions:

Whom can I trust? Sense of Security

Who am I?

Who wants me? Sense of belonging

Why am I alive? Sense of purpose

What do I do well?
Sense of Competence

When I pondered these questions from the “I” (self/ ego/ ID) perspective, a lot of negative emotions poured forth (ie] negative self talk, memories of past trauma, and lots of tears)

However, something remarkable occurred the next day. A whisper from God asking me to look at these questions as though HE were asking me them.

When I ask myself “Who am I?”

I see a failure as a wife, a failure as a mother, a failure at friendships, I see a loser in every sense of the word but when God asked me:

Who are you to me?

Suddenly I didn’t see any of those things. I had an instant answer:

“I am your child. Your daughter. I am your bride.”

I could suddenly see why my need for trust was more important to establish before searching out my identity. My trust had been broken.

When I ask myself the question:

Who can I trust?

My answer is no one, but when God asked me this question HE didn’t say: “Do you trust me?”

Instead HE asked me:

Can you trust me (God) based on who I AM and what you know of me (God)?

The answer my soul gave back was a resounding “YES! “

When I asked myself:

Who wants me?

The answer I gave myself was clingy needy people or people who wanted to use me and take advantage of me. When God asked me this question

HE said:

Who do you belong to?

Along with this question HE brought back to my remembrance concrete solid visible tangible proof of my belonging to HIM.

Sit back and get comfortable as I tell you of this fantastical true experience that you may find hard to believe. If I hadn’t of experienced it myself I may not have believed this either.

The year was 1992. I was living on the Northern Coast of California. I had only moved there recently, so I did not know the area well. One night, just after midnight, I heard an audible voice bid me to get in my car to drive to a place I had never been before. I immediately arose in obedience and went to the place I had been instructed to go. I parked in the parking lot and began to look around. It was so dark outside. There was no moon. Not a single star or cloud could be seen. Not a single street light shown to help me see what was before me. Then suddenly I could see a white light coming around a bend. I thought, “oh there must be a hill there and someone must have a flashlight.” (I didn’t have a flashlight with me) I sat waiting expectantly for a person to appear. What appeared before me was a being, human in shape, made entirely of white light, except for his eyes. His eyes were large, black and vacant. My first thought, “oh this must be an Alien. Perhaps it’s the Alien that promised me we would meet face to face one day.”

So I called out a “hello” to this being and went to get out of my car to go greet him, but I could not get out of my car. There was a Force, another being, holding me from behind in my seat. When the being in front of me saw the being that was holding me in his arms, he crouched down in fear. I could feel his fear and then right before my eyes he disappeared! Immediately, I was released and I drove home. The next day, I drove back in the daylight and was astounded to see that there was no hill. It was completely flat level terrain.

It wasn’t until years later when a quantum physics professor was explaining to me how light enters the earth’s atmosphere either from another dimension or from outer space that it always enters on an angle that I connected the dots of why the light appeared as coming from around a bend where there was no physical bend.

I never questioned or doubted who had been holding me from behind. I knew it had been Jesus. I did however question whether I had seen an Alien or a Demon. Had I just looked into the face of Satan /Beelzebub himself?

The Lord brought another memory to my mind. It was the night after I had committed adultery. My lover had been drunk on vodka and beer, high on opioids (morphine), his wife’s anxiety medication and marijuana . I did not know this at the time of being with him because he seemed to be in complete control of himself. If I had known the full extent of the situation at the time, I probably would have behaved differently. I probably would have driven him to a rehab center right then and there instead of losing myself in his intoxicating French kisses. Anyway I went home that night and literally died in my sleep. I thought I was heading toward heaven where I could hear from a distance what I thought to be Angels singing

But as I was leaving my body I heard a voice from behind me say:

“No! You can’t have her! She’s mine! ” I was immediately yanked back into my body with such a great force that I bolted upright gasping and choking for breath. Again there was no question or doubt in my mind that the voice I heard had been Jesus. For only God has power over life and death.

If I was still in doubt over who I belonged to. The Lord had a third remembrance to call unto my mind. It was the night my foster father passed away. On his way from the earthly plane of existence to his heavenly plane of existence he stopped to see me in a dream. (The dream occurred at the exact time of his death as recorded by medical professionals) In the dream my foster father pointed to his oldest son and firmly said” You are going to hell.” Then he pointed to his youngest son and said “you’re going to hell” then he pointed to me and in that same very stern voice he said:

” Not you! You have a spirit guiding you.”

Whenever I start to doubt my Salvation, I look to these memories and I know, I belong to Jesus. Who wants me? Jesus wants me and HE wants you too.

When I ask myself why am I alive?

I tend to wallow in self pity over the things I want to do but can’t do because of my circumstances.

When God asks me:

Why are you alive?”

I say, it’s only by HIS Grace and HIS Mercy that I am still living and breathing when by all rights I should be dead. (Oh the number of times HE has saved me and spared me from death and I knew I was close to death!)

I say: “God has a purpose and a plan for my existence” (Not that I know of, or fully understand that plan… I just know that every day I wake up there’s a reason for it)

The final question that Kathy Koch addresses in her book:

“Five to Thrive” is the question:

What do I do well?

When I ask myself this question. I will tell you that there is nothing that I do well. I have no skills. No talents. No great abilities.

When God asks me:

What do you do well?

I recall a dream I had 20 years ago. In that dream the Lord asked me to go help a fallen wounded Christian brother get back on his feet. (I did obey and carry out these instructions in reality as well as in the dream)

In the dream, as I was helping him, I kept looking back at all the other Christians I had left behind. The Lord said,

“Why do you want to go back to that group of people? Look at them, they are not following after me. You follow me.”


I looked and saw they were all wandering in a circle following each other. Round and round going nowhere in a circle following each other. Then HE took me gently in his arms turning me toward HIM and then as HE placed a crown upon my head, HE said “Someday, I will do this in reality. Well done good and faithful servant.”

What do I do well from God’s perspective? I serve HIM well.

Now searching for my identity, trying to find out about my personality and why I do the things I do seems like a futile waste of time. For the Scripture says to lay my life down to cast aside my flesh.

In my next blogpost, I’ll be addressing why I struggle in the area of “presenting my body as a living sacrifice” and introducing you to some new people that liked and followed my blogpage. Stay tuned.

Featured Blogger for: February 2, 2020


My featured blogger for today is: Naomi Ngigi

Naomi specializes in delivering you inspirational quotes. If you’re feeling blue,. she’s got a quick pick me up quote for you that she wrote herself and will allow you to retweet on Twitter.


My personal experience with Twitter is that it is mostly for sharing news and quick bits of information. I don’t interact much on it with my followers nor do they interact much with me. I find that I’m not harassed as much on there by men looking for women as I am on other social media platforms.

I don’t really like being limited to a set number of words and find posting on Twitter frustrating. Not really sure why I leave that account open. I rarely log into it.

In my last blog:

I started to share with you the difference between WordPress and other social media platforms and I briefly discussed Internet safety. I’d like to discuss that a little more deeply.


Men stalk women on social media. !!!!!!

Here’s what to watch out for:

  1. No profile picture at all.

While some people are just shy about their looks or just don’t have any pictures of themselves, it’s still a good idea to have a picture of something there. Your dog. Your kids. A sunset. Anything but nothing.

A stalker/ internet scammer sometimes sets up an account with no photos whatsoever. So if you don’t know the person, this is the first red flag to make you pay attention when they send you a friend request or message.

The safest thing to do is if you don’t know a person then don’t accept a friend request or open a message from someone who doesn’t have a profile picture and block them.


2. The second thing an Internet Stalker/scammer will do is try to use one of your friend’s names that are already in your friend list.

It’s always a good idea to keep your friends list private. This protects your friends and this protects you. If you receive a friend request from someone that you are already friends with, it is a good idea to call them or private message them before accepting the new request because it might not be your friend. It might be someone pretending to be your friend.

It is a very difficult to keep one’s friend list private or not accept invitations from strangers when you are trying to create a network or become popular with the masses.

Source: official memes on Facebook

3. So if you’ve reached this point and still want to proceed with accepting a friend request or an invitation to chat in private, because hey who doesn’t like to meet new people and make friends? The next step in protecting yourself is visiting their page.

A stalker/internet scammer will have tell tale signs on their page such as few to no public posts. Few to no pictures to view. You may not be able to view anything. If you see a public post, in the comments you may find remarks by the perpetrator like: “why did you block me?” Or remarks of a sexual nature. If there are frequent public posts look for more than one or two likes. If you are able to view their friends list you’ll find the man has all women friends and few to no guy friends. Most of the girls in the friends list will be scantily dressed in their profile pictures.

Live Long And Prosper Star Trek GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

4. Look to see how long this person has been on the internet as well. The longer the better. Most internet scammers/stalkers like to change their names frequently and use someone else’s pictures so they can’t get caught. If you see a person following you on social media who’s username keeps changing every month, report this. Have it looked into.

Now it may just be a guy who doesn’t want his mom or his wife or girlfriend to catch him sextexting or looking to hook up with someone new but still if you’re not that kind of girl which I’m not. Please protect yourself.

My situation (with hooking up with a married man via the internet) had extenuating circumstances (we knew of each other from way back in high school, he was not a stranger to me, and his intentions were to get me out of an abusive marriage— I didn’t expect to fall obsessively in love with the guy) but I learned my lesson (I’m trying to heal from him going back to his wife) This is why I share some of what I’ve learned with you today.


5. The stalker/internet scammer will give you a sob story to make you feel sorry for him. He will tell you things like my wife died of cancer or that one of his kids has cancer or he went through a horrible divorce or circumstance relationally. He wants to play upon your emotions and use them to his advantage.

Are there any photos of him and this person he is giving you a sob story about? Can it be verified by showing you the documentation? Like in the newspaper or verified by his close friends?

I have a helpful nature. I like to help people in need and many people try to take advantage of that. I don’t help every person that comes along asking for my help. I only help those I’ve been led to help in my rem sleep dreams. That may seem cold and unfeeling but it’s definitely a way to protect myself.

I’d love to hear from my readers that want to share their experiences with this topic. Feel free to leave a comment below ⬇.



Thanks for reading and following me on my journey toward healing from an abusive past.

Featured Blogger for February 1, 2020


My featured blogger of the day is:

Nancy aka: Strawberryindigo

Thank you Nancy 🍓💜 for liking my blog!

I see in this woman a kindred spirit. A soul sister. You will find her perspective on life refreshingly delightful and her style of writing simply enchanting. She began her blogpage after discovering her child had Aspergers and realized that she too is on the Spectrum. She is on that same journey of healing and searching for that sense of belonging as I am.

Here on WordPress the environment seems so safe and the community so welcoming.


It makes me happy to meet these new people in a non-intrusive way. Granted there are people on here who have accounts and links that don’t work and it makes you wonder “Is this person a hacker?” You will see from my past Blogger Reviews that I’ve encountered some of these individuals.

There are also business professionals that wish to solicit your patronage but here on WordPress these professionals are non intrusive. Just a quick friendly hello with a like on your relevant blog and the door is open for you anytime to become their customer. I like this method over those that spam your email or send you stuff in the mail. I even prefer it over the commercials on TV or YouTube. (I don’t really watch TV) The other thing I like about meeting people on WordPress is that they are interested in your mind not your body. Too often on other social media platforms, I get solicited by guys looking for dates or for someone to sex text with. If they only knew the real me, they would never approach me in such a manner. If they only read my blogpage they would realize that my heart is not easily won.

First the man has to make a huge impression on me to even get my attention. As you all know from reading my past blogs I have a thing for the blonde “gods” so if a man approaches me and he doesn’t have blonde or white hair, I won’t even look at him or give him the time of day.

Secondly what impresses me are men with telepathic abilities. These are men I will talk to but only to find out what their motives are in seeking me out. If I discover their motives aren’t for the purpose of being a life coach or just wanting a friend then I usually put up a fight. My prickly self defense mechanisms kick in. I will be blunt and I will behave ugly or as other people like to say a downright “beach” This has worked in the past to send them scurrying away from me like I’m some crazy woman but recently I encountered a guy who just stood there and took it and stayed as a follower on my social media page. I don’t like it at all. I feel like he’s some creeper stalker and not at all who he is pretending to be.

I use my senses to guide me. Every time he texted I’d experience unpleasant metaphysical reactions within my body. If a guy gets past this initial warning system. Then he has to be approved by my spirit animal. I was totally shocked when I read Nancy’s article:

The crow is her spirit animal and she looks to this bird for signs and comfort. I didn’t know that there were others like me who do this. I don’t exactly know what my spirit animal is. When I see a bluejay, I call it a songbird and it signifies happy news. When I see a hawk it signifies I have a message either in my email or on the phone or on social media that needs my attention. When I see a sparrow it means I need to pray for someone, When I see a raven… I think there is danger near. Perhaps Nancy was sent to me today to warn me to be on guard today.


Nancy’sNancy’s childhood was similar to my own, observing others, bottled up within myself, turning to writing for comfort.


My final defense mechanism against men who approach me on social media, if they make it past my senses and past my bird, is my rem sleep dreams. I don’t want anything more than friendship at this time, but even then my obsession still makes me want to shun the advances of other men. Yet it’s difficult to be assertive and block someone that’s been nice and kind and hasn’t crossed any boundaries of misconduct. Even if I know in my spirit they have ulterior motives and not motives with my best intentions in mind. I still want to give people the benefit of the doubt because maybe I have something to learn from them and by shutting the door too soon, I might miss an opportunity for learning.

Dear Readers, do your best to stay safe on the Internet. As always thank you for reading and following me on my journey toward healing from an abusive past. Feel free to leave comments below ⬇. I’d especially like to hear about your thoughts on your experiences with social media…the good the bad the ugly. Have a blessed day.

Blogger Review for January 30, 2020


Ron Tamir Nehr is my featured blogger for the day.

She is a life coach specializing in and I quote from her home page:

“I help ambitious women who are seeking harmony and balance, but are also burdened by insecurity, anxiety, and unfulfillment to break free from their fears of rejection, abandonment, and not being “good enough,” so they can discover what they truly desire from life and have the confidence to achieve it!”

—Ron Tamir Nehr

First of all, I’d like to say thank you to Ron for taking the time to read and like my blog. I appreciate the offer for assistance.

There are a great number of useful and helpful articles on her blogpage to empower women.

Just by looking at the list of things she offers assistance with I can say quite accurately that I am currently in a state of denial.

Let’s look at these aspects individually:

  • insecurity

The traditional definition of insecurity that I think of is the one found on:



1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.

2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.

3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.


a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.

b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: 

In regards to #1 The things I’m doubtful of and uncertain of…. Hmmm. Let me get back to you on that.

#2 inadequately guarded or protected.


Well I have my guardian angel. My body guard. I have my dog and I have family members trained in the Martial Arts and good old redneck neighbors who uphold the Second Amendment. When I was a child, I had the protection of the Mafia. ( Some favor my grandmother did for them before she passed away) but I think the people who were sworn to protect me are all dead by now. I have a security system on my house. So I feel pretty guarded and protected.


In regards to #3 Not firm or fixed, unsteady

Nope. My job is steady. My home is fixed. I’m not moving around like a gypsy from one job and one place to another. I’m pretty firm in my beliefs and boundaries in spite of the shake up I’ve had in those areas.

In regards to #4a.) a. Lacking stability; troubled

Well if my job, my home, my Faith and my friendships are secure then what’s not stable aside from my emotions?

In regards to #4b)Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety

I don’t think I lack self confidence so much as lacking opportunity or lacking the physical energy it takes to accomplish the things I want to accomplish. I’ve been tested for anxiety by my doctor. I was not diagnosed with anxiety. Yes, on occasion my heart races and I have trouble breathing but my mental thoughts are not the cause of said bodily reaction. The doctor also ruled out physical causes such as high blood pressure, or too much salt in the diet, and whatever else would cause the heart to race physiologically. He doesn’t have an explanation for my affliction, therefore I’ve relegated it to the realm of metaphysical reactions.

You know how you go into a doctor’s office and they say rate your symptoms on a scale of 1 to 10 or 1 to 5.


So let’s just say for the sake of argument that each of these definitions is a check on a person’s scale of insecurity. Based on that my level of insecurity is a 1 because I have doubts, I just haven’t found the words to articulate them yet.

However. As I continued to scroll down the page to the thesaurus section another definition of insecurity comes into play:

Noun1.insecurity – the state of being subject to danger or injury

Ok. Yes I feel threatened by men who approach me in the context of wanting to date me. I have good reason and good justification for this insecurity as you well know, I was raped and abused. But I don’t see this as a bad thing (as something that I need to fix) because there are men that I don’t feel threatened by and I have healthy relationships (friendships) with them and there is a man that exists somewhere in the world that I do honestly feel that I could be completely safe with if he ever came back into my life. I choose to wait for him. I choose to shun the advances of all other men. So I get a little depressed waiting and being alone. Big deal, it’s not the end of the world. As I said before in my last article my depression doesn’t need fixing from a doctor because I can still function on a daily basis. Seeking a doctor’s assistance for depression is for those who can’t function. IE) not being able to get out of bed every day and get dressed, feed oneself, bath and comb one’s hair and go to work. Yeah there are days I neglect myself in the midst of caring for others but that’s just being busy or lazy or distracted and losing track of time… it’s not depression. It’s just being a typical INFJ, which is something I said in the last post I might dive deeper into explore in a future blog.

  • unfulfillment to break free from their fears of rejection, abandonment, and not being “good enough

I’ve talked a lot about my past of being abandoned and being rejected throughout my life in my past blogs. This blogpage is my journey toward healing.

I no longer fear rejection. I accept it as a state of being when it comes to my love life. Equally I’ve come to accept it as a part of the challenges I face to succeed in my goals in life. There will be haters. There will be rejection but there will also be a balance of others who accept me as I am and welcome me into their fold.(Their Tribe) in other words I am not afraid to keep trying. I think that if someone who has been rejected finds themself thinking of suicide or finds themselves giving up on their goals in life (no longer trying) or finds themselves wallowing in self pity for more than a week or two…. Then definitely seek out professional help.

In regards to fears of abandonment and other abandonment issues. Having been through it, the best advice I can give to you is that you can not abandon yourself and God lives within you. Let that sink in.

I admit there are still times I cry over the past, particularly when a new person chooses to bail on me, but I don’t dwell in the past. My mind is not focused 24/7 on rehearsing and rehashing every bad moment of my life. That is an integral part of healing from abandonment: to first know that you are not completely abandoned, that you are not alone and you must not dwell too long on past memories. The second part is learning to love yourself. That feeling of beinggood enough

This is the stage I’m at in my healing journey.. Those feelings of being “good enough.”

My obsession was the one to teach me about this and even though we are no longer together. His words from the past are still teaching me today. I thank God that I saved his Facebook posts to help me remember all the things I would need for this journey alone. He made me feel loved. He made me feel special. Others have spoken and written those words to me but I never believed it when they said it, but he made me feel it inside my body metaphysically. As long as he was in my life I didn’t think, talk or write about those negative self talk things ie] “I’m ugly. I’m worthless, I’m a failure, I’m useless, my life has no meaning or purpose” because with him I felt like I belonged. He made me feel worthy. I felt that my life’s purpose revolved around him. I was devasted when he left! So yeah I admit I have indulged in negative self talk on particularly rough days when nothing seems to be going right.

February is particularly difficult for me to control that negative self talk because my current life situation has put me back into a state of being like I was as a young girl. I was single without a partner (dumped on Valentine’s day by every single guy I ever dated except him (thankfully he didn’t dump me on Valentine’s day) I’d see everyone else with a partner and it would make me feel very lonely and of course with loneliness comes the negative self talk.

I started thinking well he left me that must mean I’m not good enough to be loved or good enough to be married to, especially since he went back to his wife. It’s been 3 1/2 years since he left me. The first two years I was so busy adjusting to my new life that I didn’t have time to think but this year it hit me hard that I was single again. I haven’t been single in 27 going on 28 years. So while I had 2 spouses (the first I married at 19 and was with for 8 years, the second we were together for 17 years) I wasn’t lonely because I had someone. I had a partner. But now I don’t, so my mind went back to that repetitive cycle of my youth. It didn’t help either that the only person I’ve expressed any kind of interest in since that break up with my obsession and with my 2nd husband was someone who also ran away from me, literally.

All those feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, of failure came flooding back, they were triggered by my situation. Triggered by seeing a photograph of my obsession with his arm around his wife and her praising him for being such a wonderful man. I was suddenly right back in middle school watching everybody having a partner and being happy and there I was alone and miserable.

It’s ok that those feelings resurfaced, what’s not ok is if I continue to stay in this cyclical repetitive pattern.

Fortunately there are a lot of tools and resources available to me like Ron Tamir Nehr’s blogpage and as well as motivational speakers like

Ralph Smart and Frank James and there’s my own internal spirit which has led me to furthering my practice of chair yoga (session was from Sept- Dec) into taking a beginner’s introductory course in yoga. My inner spirit has also led me to get the book:

Christ Consciousness.” Got the book but haven’t found the time to read it yet.

One thing I will caution the reader about is that mind movies requires a paid subscription. While I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the services they offer work, it just takes time like anything else that is good in life, it doesn’t come quickly., I just don’t trust subscription based programs and would very much prefer it if I could buy a physical object. A DVD tailor made to my mental needs. I’ve had problems with subscription based programs before. I think I’m paying a one time annual fee that won’t be due again for another year and bam they hit my bank account sending my poor butt into a spiral of bounced checks or scrambling to get money into my account before everything goes haywire. I live paycheck to paycheck barely squeaking by. Show of hands in the comments below ⬇ who can relate?

The other problem with a subscription based service is technical issues with computers crashing and the loss of data that you paid for. You think you can hold onto something till you die but the minute you stop paying for it, they take it away from you. I don’t like things being taken away from me unless I’m ready to part with them and since my financial future is uncertain, like what if I have to fix my car or do a major home repair and there isn’t money that month for both the subscription and the repair. Naturally I will let the subscription go over not fixing my car. It just doesn’t feel like a wise investment to me even though I know it’s something I need. I just dont want to be paying for it for the rest of life. It feels more like a punishment then to have that kind of success. So I plod along with what materials I can afford at a very slow pace in progress.

Lastly Ron says this in her description of her services: that she helps people discover

  • what they truly desire from life and have the confidence to achieve it!”

Well for me, on that journey of discovery, I went straight to my natal chart. I wanted to know what my purpose and calling in life is. I wanted to be fulfilling that destiny. What I discovered about myself is very bleak to say the least. I didn’t want to go to some bubble gum astrologist that would feed me a line of bull… of a life of happiness and wealth and success, especially if it wasn’t in my natal chart to begin with. Great if it is but if it’s not I want the truth. I wanted an astrologist who told it like it is no holds bar don’t hold back the punches. I wanted someone who had a background in the Bible and a relationship with Christ. I’ve read my free natal chart on It gives an overview of my strengths and weaknesses but it didn’t give me the specifics of what I wanted to know. What is my life’s purpose? What is my calling? I went to Gat at:” Archangel Revelations & Prophecies444.” on YouTube.

(Warning this guy is blunt tells it like it is sometimes painful truth. Not for the faint of heart)

In my reading he said that my purpose in life was to publicly expose my abuser. What a strange calling. Ok, so then what? What do I do with my life after I’ve already exposed the man? He says that my success in life comes from the man I’m married to.

Ok. So if I’m single and no man wants to marry me or my standards are so high or so stubbornly set on one particular unattainable individual then where does that leave me? It leaves me back in that cyclical pattern of feeling like a failure in spite of my best efforts to succeed in life.

What do I desire in life?

I desire to be married to a man that worships and adores me. Married to a successful business man that is attractive to me and let’s me be at home. Who gives me creative freedom to read, write, draw, paint, create music, create videos, tend a garden, sew, and cook. A man who enjoys discussing quantum physics, religion, politics, philosophy, dream interpretation. A man who is gentle and kind and likes to read and teach. A great kisser. A strong sex drive. Likes to dance. A man who understands me on every level.

I know that’s the lamest goal in life for a woman to want but that’s what will make me feel fulfilled and happy. It’s in my natal chart.

So you see, there’s really no way for me to succeed in life without him. All I can do is continue to work on healing and getting healthy mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

It does not help me to see the happiness of my ex lover with his wife. It does not help me to think he still wants to play around with me without a commitment to marry me. It does not help me when he sends me mixed signals of love and hate toward me making me feel guilty because his wife won’t let him have anybody to talk to besides her and our telepathic connection isn’t enough for him. He misses the face to face time together as much as I do but he made a choice to go back to her and I should not let his decision make me me feel guilty or let it hold me back from moving on with my own life. Yet I do let him hold me back. t am reminded that I am alone and single and a failure at life. It only reopens the scars and brokenness of my heart.

Maybe a man would be afraid of committing himself to me if he knew my past. Fearing that I would be unfaithful. Or fearing that I’m incapable of keeping his secrets but my natal chart says that I’m totally capable of being faithful as long I feel loved by that man.

I really don’t know why my first two husbands stopped loving me. Why my first husband up and said he wanted to have an affair or why my second husband just up and decided to stop being intimate me one day. I could blame it on my obsession. After all he is the reason for every other failed relationship. The dreams about him.

He’s only my obsession because I continue to dream about him (I don’t control my rem sleep dreams) and I have metaphysical reactions whenever he’s around. He’s only my obsession because he’s the first and only guy thus far to really understand me and engage me in mutual conversation, along with giving me the feeling that I was loved. He’s only my obsession because he continues to fuel that obsession by making those rem sleep dreams a reality. Were he to up and decide one day that he no longer loves me, to decide that he no longer wants me, to decide to forget about me…. My obsession with him would cease. Why continue to obsess over a person that no longer loves me? But as long as the dreams keep coming and the metaphysical reactions keep coming I’m going to continue to obsess over him then what other man is going to want me? None.

In conclusion I would like to suggest to my readers that if they are like me struggling to find their identity and purpose in life and a sense of belonging to begin your search with your own natal chart and then find out what personality type you are. Before Ron Tamir Nehr introduced herself, I thought there were only 16 personality types but in her article titled: I discovered that there are 27 subtype personalities.


Check out the article for yourself and feel free to comment your thoughts below⬇

Thank you for reading and following me on my journey toward healing.

Struggling through Life when there’s No Diagnosis.


I just want to break down and cry! I’ve had a meltdown from over-stimulus. This was triggered by a series of events happening within a week’s time period.

I do not have a formal diagnosis of being Autistic or as having Aspergers but when I read about it, I see myself.

Because of this lack of a formal diagnosis I am not eligible for any services that are available to the Autistic community.

Which is one reason I was so overcome with emotion when someone from the community liked one of my blogposts.


for liking my blog.

When I was a young girl these services were not available and it left me feeling like I didn’t belong on this earth because I was so different.

The interest expressed in my blog has spurned me on my journey to explore my identity. I feel a need to categorize my personality. To give myself a classification, if it is possible. (Why? Click here)

Maybe it’s that innate sense of wanting to belong, wanting to be a part of a group, that pushes me toward this exploration.


I begin this journey by going through the signs of autism and putting a (✔) by each sign that I feel like is a part of my being.

Communication challenges (11 challenges)

  • You have trouble reading social cues ✔

This was especially apparent when I was a child but as an adult I’ve been able to adapt to read facial expressions and body language. I learned this from reading a book on the subject. (See photo below) Today there are lots of YouTube resources on the subject as well)

The only thing I still have trouble with is when people are being sarcastic or telling a joke and keeping a straight face. I don’t usually pick up on the fact that the person is joking with me.

  • Participating in conversation is difficult ✔

Again, when I was a child this was very difficult. Now I find it depends on the person talking with me. I have difficulty keeping a conversation flowing, maybe because I’m an introvert. The conversation flows easily with an extrovert. Well if you can call it conversation.

All my life I’ve struggled with communication. It was more a case of people not understanding me than of me not understanding them. I couldn’t verbalize my thoughts and emotions in a way that others could understand me. Conversations were usually them doing all of the talking :

or me doing all of the talking. It was never a mutual exchange of thoughts and ideas.

Conversations sometimes went like we were talking at each other about topics that weren’t even related, rather than with each other on the same topic.

The first person ever to actually engage me in a mutual conversation was an autistic person. When I lost him, I was so afraid I’d never find another person that would understand me or converse with me on a mutual level. I haven’t found anyone year to date and it’s been three going on four years since his family cut him off from talking with me.

  • You have trouble relating to others’ thoughts or feelings. ✔

Well that’s a very delicate topic.

If I open up and share, you might perceive me as crazy 😜 or boastful. 😏

I can say most accurately that the mass majority of time I am unaffected by those around me because I put myself in a robotic state. However, when the Spirit comes upon me, I can feel inside my body other people’s emotions and their physical pain. At such times I pray. I have seen several people cured of cancer. A person’s sight restored from 20/40 to 20/20. A person’s cataracts falling like scales from their eyes, a person in the middle of a seizure cease having the seizure , a person who was scheduled to have surgery for removal of kidney stones but the doctors couldn’t find the stones so the surgery was cancelled.


My friend with autism is telepathic. It is my belief that the majority of people with high functioning autism are telepathic.

I don’t have any real scientific proof of this. I’m only going on observations I’ve made of people I know that are on the autistic spectrum. (A total of five people that I’ve closely observed over a seven year period and three others that I have not closely observed.)

I don’t believe that with high functioning autism that it is a case of not being able to relate to others thoughts and feelings as it is a case of weeding through the over stimulus to discern one’s own thoughts and feelings from those around us. First, a person has to become aware that one has this ability of telepathy before one can actually start to distinguish others thoughts and feelings. And even before that, one has to learn coping skills just to function on a day to day basis. I remember as a child loud noises would send me running to my room in a fit of tears. 😢

  • You’re unable to read body language and facial expressions well. (You might not be able to tell whether someone is pleased or unhappy with you.)

I believe with higher functioning autism this is a skill that can be learned.

(See heading social cues above… ..Someone please correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t social cues and body language the same thing?)

  • You use flat, monotone, or robotic speaking patterns that don’t communicate what you’re feeling.

This is one area that I have never had a problem with. I have the ability to change the tone of my voice and I’ve always worn my feelings on my sleeve. However there are certain months of the year that I used to literally shut down emotionally. I always called it robot mode.


I remember one time during one of these spells, my friend with autism asked me if I was feeling a bit bipolar or manic depressive. (He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology) I’ve been seen by counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists alike because I had a phobia of becoming like my biological mother who had this as a clinical diagnosis. None of them were willing to give me any kind of diagnosis. But at the time he asked me this he would not have known about these mood swings unless he had seen my health records when he worked at the mental health clinic or he was genuinely telepathic because I had learned to cover up my emotions very well by the time he and I started conversing with each other. Then again he may have remembered something I said to someone else way back in high school and I may have been unaware of the fact that he was listening in on the conversation. (We went to the same youth group at church but no one ever introduced us. I didn’t know his name back then. I never talked to him back then. To me he was always that tall aloof blonde god at the back of the room. I have a thing for blonde hair and blue eyes. I labeled guys with these physical features as the blonde gods. The unattainable elite because every time I tried to date one of them, they’d call me a fat ugly pig.) But when he started showing interest in me 27 years later he had me believing we were one mind and that whatever affected me, affected him and vice versa. But that’s for another blog.

  • You invent your own descriptive words and phrases. ✔

We have our own secret language.

  • Understanding figures of speech and turns of phrase (like “The early bird catches the worm” or “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”) is difficult.

Any phrases or terms I don’t understand. I Google search. I have a difficult time admitting that I struggle with figures of speech. I won’t readily admit to this but once I’ve done the research on a phrase then the next time someone uses it, I’m more apt to understand it’s meaning. I’m grateful to my English teachers who helped to identify figures of speech, I just wish they also taught a class in social skills ain elementary and middle school as well.

  • You don’t like to look at someone’s eyes when talking to them. ✔

This was especially true when I was younger. I had to be taught to look into people’s eyes when they speak to me and I still sometimes forget to do this. It’s a conscious effort of will. The only exception to this is when I’m in love with someone at which point my body reacts in the opposite extreme and I end up staring at the person until they are extremely uncomfortable and I don’t realize I’m staring until they call it to my attention.

  • You talk in the same patterns and tone whether you’re at home, with friends, or at work.

Only when I’ve reached robot mode. When I’ve experienced so much over stimulus that I shut down emotionally and retreat to a place inside my head.

  • You talk a lot about one or two favorite topics. ✔

My friends and family will readily tell you that I have three favorite topics. My obsession with the man I’m in love with. The Bible and my dreams.

  • Building and maintaining close friendships is difficult. ✔

If people are still my friends, it’s because they put in all the effort to maintain the friendship and reach out to me. I had to be taught how to make a conscious effort to reach out to others and it is a struggle for me to do so. If they only knew.

7 out of 11 of these communication signs are present within me.

Social: (7 signs)

  • Appear shy or avoid initiating social contact ✔

The only time I initiate social contact is when my job forces me to or when I’ve had a dream about someone. Or if I’m already friends or related to the person. If I don’t know a person, I won’t initiate contact.

  • May have difficulty fitting in with other people due to not following social norms or ways of dressing yourself. Would rather be comfortable than stylish to a fault. ✔

Let’s just say if I could wear my pajamas to work and get away with it…. I would do it. Comfort is paramount to me over style. Also, quite frankly, I haven’t got a clue what social norms are.

  • Very few friendships and difficulty maintaining the ones you already have. ✔

I have lots of people I call associates but very few I call friends. I don’t let many people inside my head. I feel the need to be understood before I can open up to a person.

  • May appear rude to other people. ✔

I don’t mean it. I often don’t realize I’m doing it, but I’ve been told frequently that I’ve behaved inappropriately in certain social situations but I can never understand why my behaviour was considered inappropriate. The only person who ever took the time to patiently explain to me this behavioral flaw was my autistic friend. He’s helped me come a long way socially and yet I still mess up.

  • Trouble processing certain thoughts and expressing your needs to others

Nope. I may take a long time to process my thoughts but I have no trouble bluntly expressing my needs. The problem is that no one seems to understand me when I express my needs or they ignore me.

  • Difficulty with social imagination. Difficulty understanding idioms, people with autism often take things very literally. ✔

Oh yes! I’m very prone to taking things literally. If I hadn’t been taught at an early age about gravity, reality vs fantasy/imaginary, and what an idiom is, I’d have believed I could fly. I have to be told in advance of the conversation not to take something literally.

  • May have a social phobia

Not sure what this last one is referring to but I know I’ve had phobias as a child.

I can give you an example of my current phobia. There’s a Valentine’s dance coming up. I love to dance. None of my current male associates that I find trustworthy like to dance. I have a strong fear of going by myself because I’m afraid some strange guy will try to take sexual advantage of me so I won’t be going to the dance as much as I want to go. So if that’s the kind of phobia being talked about I’ll give this sign a ✔.

5 out of 7 social signs are prominently within my nature and I’d give myself a 7 out of 7 in this category if someone were to help me comprehend the two signs that I didn’t check.


(9 signs)

  • Repetitive behaviors. Things have to be a certain way. Rituals…

I am pretty flexible but there are some things I’m pretty rigid on and get very upset over if this particular routine is not followed.

Every morning when I wake up, I have to have quiet and time to write in my journal and have time to process my thoughts. If this routine is interrupted by excessive noise or someone else needing me to go somewhere or do something immediately, I get very irritable and feel out of sorts. When I was married I was very insistent on having sex every day at a certain time of day.

When I was a child I would repeatedly twirl and chew on my hair. This habit has been replaced with just scratching my head.

Another repetitive behavior I do is to frequently check to see if my obsession has left me any gifts in the form of visual communication.

  • Obsessive interests – Take a deep dive when interested in something ✔

Well, duh, that’s why I created this blog page in the first place. To have a safe place to talk about my obsession where he could read it if he wanted to because I’ve been forbidden to have direct contact with him.

  • Anxiety/depression, more than 2/3 of adults with autism also suffer anxiety and/or depression.

I won’t readily admit to this. I’ve been to see the doctor about anxiety before but because my thoughts do not align with what my body is doing the doctor thought that there may be something else wrong with me.

My heart races. I hyperventilate. The onset of these episodes are random and seemingly without cause for when it happens I’m usually not thinking about anything. Even physiologically I thought maybe it has to do with my salt intake or with my poor blood circulation but these tests were inclusive. I have noticed a correlation to these episodes happening in relation to when my obsession is going out of his house for some excursion. He doesn’t leave his house often and so when he does my body consistently reacts in this manner. I discovered quite by accident that my body also reacts this way when he’s smoking a cigarette.

Because my biological mother was diagnosed with depression and I saw what she was like. I am reluctant to say I am frequently depressed. I associate a diagnosis of depression as someone who can’t function on a daily basis. Like not dressing oneself or bathing or not eating or not going to work. This was the way my mother would get when she was depressed. Sure I cry a lot but I have reasons to explain away my tears such as loneliness from missing my best friend, a death of someone I know, a traumatic memory creeping into my mind triggered by some event happening during the day, someone sick asking for prayer. I figure as long as I get up and go to work every day and as long as I feed myself and bath myself and dress myself then I’m not depressed. I’m just sad. Just melancholy by nature.

Reputable validation right here @timestamp 3:06-3:19

What if the real reason for the depression seen in Autistic people is because of their hypersensitivity to the world, to people’s emotions. Think about it, if the world is filled with tragedy i.e. hunger, mass shootings, homelessness, natural disasters, diseases, etc. and you are a person that can feel all this within your body but can’t articulate it because you don’t understand where it’s coming from… Wouldn’t you feel depressed too?

  • Average or superior intelligence. ✔

My IQ was 112 last I checked. That was 20+ years ago when I took an IQ test.. IQ can change. I’m too afraid to take the test again because with age.. comes forgetfulness and IQ tests rely heavily on cognitive memory functions.

To my knowledge that’s above average intelligence. My obsession… I don’t know his IQ but I think he’s a genius.

  • Only a few areas of interests but can be very knowledgeable on one or more subjects.

This was discussed under the communication heading. While I think I have a wide range of interests. My friends and family will tell you that my interests are few.

  • Stimming, unusual body movements. This one can be harder to spot because it becomes easier to hide as we get older. For instance, it can manifest as rocking or hand flapping.

Stimming is a more recent development for me. It was not noticeable when I was a child. Probably because I was alone in my room so much. These current unusual body movements started when I was in college which is hugging myself or kissing my hand. These are not conscious actions but random reactions to intuitive sensory perceptions which I’ve been able to verify through observations. I will sense when someone has liked or commented on one of my social media posts and my body will react metaphysically before I even see what was liked or commented upon. Other times I will get phone calls or text messages within minutes of these unusual movements coming upon me from people who were thinking of me in a loving manner.

  • Clumsiness, lack of coordination. ✔

Oh yes! I’m a clutz! Fractured finger, fractured toe, fractured elbow, fractured rib. Scars on my body from mishaps…

  • Sensory issues, from mild to severe. You can be over-sensitive or under-sensitive. Noises, textures, smells, tastes… ✔

Definitely! Used to drive my foster mother crazy the way I was over sensitive to the texture of foods and over sensitive to the texture of clothing. I’d frustrate my foster father because I’d get really upset over noises and now as an adult I’m hyper sensitive over smells.

  • Rigidity, love routine, autistic people become anxious when their daily routine is changed.

(See Repetitive Behaviors)

I only checked 4 out of these 9 miscellaneous signs because I am in denial over 2 of them (anxiety/depression and few areas of interest) and I only exhibit mild unnoticeable traits of the other three. (Repetitive Behaviors, Stimming, Rigidity)

Ive checked off a total of 16 definite signs of Autism. Out of 27 signs. But if you look more closely at my personality you can see that I have learned to hide from society several of those other traits because even though they are there, they are so mild that others don’t notice. Only I notice it or people who are close to me. I also took the online Autism assessment test. According to them, If you score a 29 you’re not autistic and if you score a 30 it’s possible but not definite. It’s one of those agree slightly agree or disagree slightly disagree tests. No option for neutrality. I could manipulate the results based on how I was feeling on any particular day. (Test taken on: Warning: the test questions change daily.

Then there’s the common health issues that most people with autism seem to suffer from, I’ll only list the ones that I have:

  • Gastrointestinal:

-Chronic constipation

-Abdominal pain

– Gastroesophageal reflux

-Bowel inflammation

  • Picky eater: aversion to foods based on texture or color (more prevalent as a child than now)
  • Diffuclty swallowing
  • Sleep issues
  • Food allergies: dairy, gluten, corn as well as other foods.

I’m in denial over the other stuff listed on the website.

Anyway, now you know the truth about me.

This article is already too long to discuss the struggles I face by myself because of a non-diagnosis and besides I’m not likely to talk to people when I am struggling. This is why you haven’t seen a blogpost on here in several months. (The classic shut down to deal with over stimulus.) It’s taken me over a week just to put this blogpost together in a coherent manner.

So if I’m not Autistic and I don’t have Aspergers because even though I can demonstrate that over half of these traits are within me then what am I?

Perhaps an INFJ? The rarest personality type…(See Frank James video 16 personalities at the therapist link above⬆) Going to explore this in a future blog….maybe…..

Thanks for reading and joining me on my journey to heal from an abusive past and explore my identity.

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