The subject matter I’m writing about today is a very sensitive topic. A word of caution this may be very upsetting for those who have also experienced this.
Sometimes in life, we are thrown a curve ball, we wonder why God? Why did this happen to me? Years go by after the trauma of the event and we don’t see any good that’s come out of the situation. We think we’ve healed, until just the right event triggers the memories of that trauma again and we discover, we still have some more healing to do.
When I was in the 6th grade, just 11 years old, on August 2 1984, the boy next door put pressure on me to have sex with him. I told him “NO!” I told him I had my period. He said “that’s ok, I’ve heard girls bleed when they lose their virginity anyway.” His continued peer pressure coupled with the twisted thoughts running around in my young not yet fully developed mind caused me to acquiesce to the pressure.
We went into a dark room where I could see nothing. I laid there perfectly still, in shock that I was letting this happen to me.
When my parents found out, they forbid me to ever see him again.
They sent me to a counselor. The counselor called this “Date Rape”
explaining to me that at any point during a sexual encounter when you say “no” or “stop” or “I don’t want to go any further”, if the person doesn’t stop and continues the sexual act then it becomes Date Rape. I was given the option to press charges or let the matter go. I chose not to press charges.
Oddly enough I never saw the boy again until I was well into my adulthood. You’d think living next door to one another we’d at least see each other or run into one another but we never did. Maybe it was because after that incident, I always walked around with my head down. Never lifting my eyes to see what was going on around me. Retreating into my mind and shutting the world out. I’d pop out every now and then to see what was going on, to make an effort to socialize because I was so lonely and starving for love. I knew that was one of the reasons I allowed him to violate the sacredness of my virginity because I wanted to be loved. I was searching for acceptance.
As an adult, I thought that I was healed from this trauma because I could talk to people freely about it without getting emotionally upset over it. I even friend requested the man on Facebook as an act of saying “I forgive you”.
He has no idea, absolutely no understanding of how his actions damaged my soul and spirit. To him, I was just a notch in his belt. An achievement that a young man likes to boast about to his buddies.
I continued to go through life wondering why? Wondering what purpose did this serve? I’ve never been able to help anyone else through their suffering from date rape.
The only thing it did for me is make me proactive in being aware of ways of preventing this sort of thing from happening to my daughters. I was determined to instill in them a fighting spirit. I would constantly talk about what to do in such an event. Telling them that their virginity is a treasure. That it is a gift to the man they marry. That it should only be given after marriage. I would tell them not to repeat my mistakes. I would tell them if a boy tries to kiss you or touch you in your private parts to punch him, kick him, bite him, do whatever it takes to get the message across that your body is sacred and reserved for marriage. I told them to never be alone with a boy. Everything that the counselor talked about in the video above, I trained my girls to know….. I even enrolled one of them in a self defense class. (Want to get fit fast? Check out: https://www.fitin56.com/ not exactly a self defense class but they wanted me to mention their business in my blog)
Little did I know I had enrolled her too late.
Two days ago I received a phone call that brought all that trauma of my youth back to the forefront of my mind.
Her teachers told me about it. Anger raged through my body. I wanted to slap the boy across the face! I was hurt because a week ago I had point blank asked her if he had tried to have sex with her and she looked me in the eye and told me no. I was extremely hurt that I had to find out from her teachers. Nothing upsets me more than discovering a person has lied to me. When they told me this happened outside of school, that it happened at my own house under my very nose, I began to rest the blame on myself. Feeling as though I had been a neglectful parent. The teachers were trained counselors insisting that I not put the blame upon myself that the blame rested on the boy that I had trusted. It happened on October 6 2019. When I put all the pieces together, I grew angry with my child for having begged and pleaded with me to let the boy come over. She said, ” I have to be assertive, I have to prove to myself that I can tell him no. ” Against my better judgment, I let the boy come over. I told him I needed help chopping wood. He made filet mignon on the grill for our lunch. My daughter had gone into the house with the excuse that she needed to get changed to help with the wood. The boy stayed outside tending the grill. I went inside to take a phone call and while I was on the phone, he snuck upstairs. He had only been out of my sight for a few minutes when I went looking for him. I called upstairs. He immediately answered that he had been using the bathroom and came right down stairs. Under my very nose! Why didn’t she yell or scream for me??? Why did she just let him put his penis inside her?
My dream on the day that I was informed of this incident told me her reason. It was to camouflage her feelings for a girl. I started thinking if she’s pregnant, then in my eyes she’s married the boy and he’s gonna pay! I started to cry uncontrollably.
I didn’t know what to do. Everyone was telling me that I should press charges. That it was my responsibility to press charges because she’s a 14 year old minor. I started to think then why didn’t my foster parents press charges on my behalf? Why didn’t they fight for me? Why didn’t they defend me? (All those feelings of abandonment and not being loved resurfacing) especially with my own child hiding the truth from me betraying my trust confiding in someone other than me.
I cried out to God, I don’t know what to do! Can I even believe my child after all the lies and secrets she’s been telling me lately? Should I take her to the hospital and have them confirm that she is no longer a virgin? The teachers at the school had offered to give her a pregnancy test and I consented. It was negative.
I insisted before God that I could not handle this situation. (Kind of like how brand new mothers, like Melissa may feel when they are trying to learn how to breastfeed. Her blog is called Breastfeeding and Everything About It. Her page is currently infected by malware so her site is down. Clicking on her website may infect your computer. )
I’ve never raised a teenager before. This was all new to me. My oldest two children had gone to live with their father before they were teens to escape the abuse of my second husband. I let them go but I had no way of escape. He was nearly a black belt im Martial Arts, trained in both Taokwondo and Aikido. He was a master at Aikido. So no matter how many times I had said no to him prior to our marriage and struggled to free myself from his grasp, I could not escape. What was worse, he’d laugh while I was struggling to free myself from him and that would cause me to involuntarily laugh and then he’d think this was some sort of game and that what he was doing was somehow ok because we were laughing. I’d grow tired of fighting and so I would say to myself “fuck it.” I might as well enjoy it. (I’m not going to sugar coat my exact words for the holier than thou Christian. This is real raw emotions I’m struggling with. So let’s keep it real. )
He never left bruises when he was rough with us, he never raped any of our children, so I couldn’t just go to the authorities. They wouldn’t believe me or so I thought. Please if you are reading this and this is happening to you: Don’t try to justify the situation to yourself like I did.
BREAK THE SILENCE!!!
Find the courage within yourself to speak up and tell someone! It’s the first step in healing. It’s the first step toward getting out of that situation. And once you’ve told someone don’t go all wishy washy and backpedal and try to defend the person that abused you. That will only get you put right back with that person where there will be no escape.
I felt like I was the wrong person for my child. How can I be of any use to her when my own trauma has just slapped me in the face. Everyone around me was telling me that I needed to behave lovingly. To put my own anger, my own emotions and trauma aside and give my child a safe environment in which to speak to me about this. How can I express love to her when I don’t feel it? I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel unloved. I feel angry. They suggested I not speak to her about it until I could get my emotions in check or have someone else with me when I spoke to her. Easier said then done.
When she got home from school neither of us wanted to communicate. I insisted she go to her Martial Arts class even though she had been giving me excuses every time we went as to not wanting to go. She’d “fake” getting sick but always after class she’d say she felt better and enjoyed the class. We were silent for most of the drive there but then she said something that triggered my anger. It only escalated as she turned away from listening to me because the decibel of my voice was rising. She started texting the girl she has feelings for.
It is this girl that has caused all the division in my home. She is the one that introduced my daughter to the gay and lesbian lifestyle. Last year she gave my daughter a hickey and nearly got them expelled from school. Then to cover up her actions she blamed another student and told my daughter to go along with this lie. Ever since then she’s been constantly telling my daughter to keep secrets and tell lies to cover up the truth if they are caught. My once loving communicative obedient child had turned rebellious and secretive overnight and I knew it was because of that girl. My anger burned hotter, rather than be loving toward her over the date rape, I was calling her a bitch for not telling me first, for lying to my face when I point blank asked her if the boy had sex with her and for continuing to talk to this girl especially after she just got done telling me how this girl gossips behind her back and says bad things about her to their classmates and she overheard the conversations. (I thought gossip was supposed to be for celebrity news like the gossip found on Natalia’s blogsite ) Not this very personal meanspirited gossip that this girl is doing to my daughter.
She is constantly letting my daughter take the blame and the consequences whenever she initiates wrong behavior. I know Scripture says not to gossip (also easier said than done) and I know it says not to let the sun go down on one’s anger.
So after her Martial Arts class, I hugged her and told her I wasn’t mad at her for what happened with the boy. Explained that my anger stemmed from her secretive behavior and unwillingness to communicate with me and from the betrayal I felt having heard it from her teachers rather than from her own lips. I asked her for her forgiveness.
The next day I took her out to eat, just the two of us. After much thought about what I had needed to begin the healing process from the incident in 6th grade, we had agreed to pull her out of that school. The minute that decision was made. The floodgates of communication reopened. I had my obedient loving communicative child back. I loved that when I tried to rest all the blame for what happened upon myself she wisely said, “No Mom, it’s not all your fault, it’s all of our fault. All three of us.” She and I were ready to face the consequences together for our actions and take responsibility for those actions. The boy, on the other hand, still doesn’t understand how his actions were wrong. He only has his focus on his goal of marrying my daughter when they are of age, not considering her wants or needs.
I told her about what happened to me in the 6th grade and it established a bond between us because we allowed it to happen to ourselves for the same reason. We both had our periods at the time and we both had succumbed to peer pressure because of a need to prove something to ourselves a desire for revenge on another third party but most importantly it was because of our need for a sense of belonging and love. This is why I titled this message: “The purpose of being left in the dark is to find out what is in our hearts”
My child had just repeated my mistakes. As if none of my training and admonishments had any impact whatsoever.
Scripture speaks of the sins of the parents being visited back upon their children.
Ever ask yourself why that is?
I believe the purpose is to find out what is in our own hearts. It’s like a follow up visit from The Great Physician to see how we are progressing in our souls. Have we healed from the trauma? Have we learned to forgive ourselves and others? Have we learned to be patient, compassionate and understanding of ourselves and others? Have we learned not to repeat those mistakes again?
Here is what I learned from this sin of the past coming back to visit me through my child.
That three things are necessary in order for this incident not to occur again.
#1) To have a strong willed conviction based on the moral and ethical truths taught in the Scripture. (The Bible)
I thought I had a strong will. I thought I had developed my spirit to know right from wrong and to stand up for what’s right. I thought I had instilled this training within my children.
But we both fell to the power of the souls longing for love, belonging and acceptance which was stronger than any rule, regulation or law.
#2) Assertiveness. http://practicalkatie.com/2012/01/13/10-tips-for-teaching-assertiveness-skills/
My child is assertive, with everyone but the two people she needs to be the most assertive with. Feelings of wanting to belong, feelings of wanting acceptance and love from those that we love far outweigh any assertiveness training one may have.
#3) Self Esteem.
A healthy perspective and love for oneself. Not the narcissistic type. This is the key to maintaining assertiveness in the face of peer pressure
This third aspect is the most important because without it, the other two aspects will not succeed.
It is the one thing I did not teach my children which left the door wide open for them to be blindsided by such trauma as Date Rape. It’s hard to teach someone something that you don’t have yourself. A child can see right through you and shout at you “Hypocrisy!” Then they just go and do exactly what you told them not to do because they see you doing it.
The journey toward healing has pointed me in the direction of focusing on helping my children and myself to strengthen our convictions in Christ, to be assertive and above all to learn how to have a healthy self esteem.
An update on the Alchemist’s Studio Healing project: (excerpt below):
“We chose the wider vase because it could hold more healing and love and had a wider opening to release grief and those things not serving people any longer. It was a close call though, and I could see the points that those who chose the other vase made.”
Also a Thank You to:
and The Godly Chic
For their steadfast rock solid faith, like Northern Stars pointing the wayward broken soul back to Christ through their healing messages.